To S....

I am sorry that both times I have seen you in the past ten years I have been completely shitfaced. I promise that I don't have a drinking problem, I don't even go out very much and hardly ever drink to excess, so you don't have to worry about me. I am sorry that I couldn't coherently tell you that it was really nice to see you, you look great and I am so happy that you are doing well. And if I did tell you that, I hope it didn't sound like a skanky pick up line. I hope that I told you your kids were beautiful when you showed me their pictures. They are beautiful, I just can't remember if I told you that. Oh, sorry I couldn't remember your wife's name, again. She is nice, I do remember that much.

I am sorry that I thought you were secretly gay when we were dating. I am sorry that's what I told my friends when they asked me why we broke up and that's why they all look at you like that. I am sorry that the night I saw you I told that story to my friends in what I drunkenly thought was a whisper, but realized later that my drunken whisper was probably heard by everyone in the entire bar, as were the other funny stories I told them about you. Especially the one about your you-know-what.

I am sorry you had to see me dancing. You can thank your lucky stars you didn't have to hear me sing again. I am sorry that you had to meet my friend J. Yes, he is always that annoying. It wasn't just because he was drunk. I am especially sorry that he hit on you after I told him the secretly gay story in an effort to prove or disprove my theory once and for all. In my defense, he couldn't tell for sure either.

I hope the next time you come home, we can have a nice talk, without all the drunkenness. And you can see that I have turned out ok and am not a falling down alcoholic.

Extra Big Stupidhead

Yesterday morning my dog proved, once and for all, the theory that an extra big head means you are extra stupid by getting sprayed in the face by a skunk. AGAIN! You would think after the first time and all the swearing, crying, nose running, bathing and vomiting (mostly by me, I'll admit, but still) he would have learned his lesson. But no, he will insist on chasing skunks. Previously on our walk, he didn't even notice the racoon mommy and her five little racoons. I would have been fine with him chasing them. Ok, not really, but at least they don't make you stink. He walked right by the racoons without noticing them, but the skunks he can see from a mile away. And we took a totally different route than the first time he got sprayed.

I am pretty sure my boss would think I was making this up as a reason not to come in to work -"You got sprayed by a skunk twice in less than 2 weeks, come on" - if the whole office couldn't smell me coming. that's the thing about skunk spray, it lingers. No matter how often you bathe or wash your clothes, it lingers. My first comment upon getting in to the office now is "Can you smell me"?

Since my dog seems incapeable of not running after skunks, I have no doubt you will be seeihng variations of this post until all the skunks are hibernating - they do hibernate, right?

Should I be worried?

I went to Shoppers today to pick up cold medication so that my nose would stop running. Very exciting I know, but it gets better. While I was paying with my debit card, I asked the clerk if I could have cash back as well. The woman beside me asked if I needed money to pay for my cold pills and when I explained that I didn't, I just needed cash to go and get coffee, proceeded to explain to me how coffee causes cancer of the colon! With descriptive terms and graphic imagery. I did not need that first thing in the morning, before I even had a freakin coffee. I'll worry about getting colon cancer after I have my morning coffee, okay?

Then after getting to work and of course, not working but reading stuff online, I read an article in the Washington Post that said:

"Conservative, religiously minded Americans are putting far more of their genes into the future than their liberal, secular counterparts."

Which means that Republican voters are reproducing at a higher rate than Democrats. And that states who voted for Bush have a higher birth rate than states that voted for Gore in 2000.

Thats a scary thought. Since a lot of kids grow up to have the same values, religion, and political beliefs as their parents, this makes me happy that I am not an American.

This makes me wonder if the people who like reality television are reproducing more than the people who don't like reality television, like me? I will soon be horribly outnumbered. Since I can't fight the trend with only my poor ovaries, I may need some help here.

This is hard work

I have been busy lately trying to find someplace to live. Right now I am staying with my parents (you can only imagine how thrilling this is) while I search for a place I can call home. My original plan was to stay with them for a couple of weeks, rent a house or a duplex for a year while I looked for a suitable house to buy. It is impossible to rent a place to,live when you own a giant dog. I have tried. Even the worst looking places, places that smell like something died inside the walls or have mould crawling across the ceilings, don't take pets - like a pet could make it worse?

So I have decided that if I don't want to live with Mom and Dad for the forseeable future, I must buy a house. I had no idea how much work this is. You have to search the Real Estate Guide, the internet, and/or question everyone you know looking for houses for sale. One bonus is that when people know you are looking for a house, they always know of "the perfect house for you"! Then you have to go and see all these houses, check out all the features/updates/problems. You have to work out the costs/mortgages/repairs. you have to figure out where you want to live, the features you can't live without, the features you want but don't really need and so on.

This is too much. What I would really like is for someone to do all this for me, do all the paperwork and just have me sign something, tell me how much I owe and give me the keys. I don't feel mature enough to have to make this decision. This is big, this is where I am going to live, for a long time. It is a huge amount of money (which still makes me want to throw up if I think about it, so I don't). Am I really old enough to have to make this kind of life-altering decision? I would like to say "I want my mommy" but my mommy just wants her house back, without me or a giant dog making a mess everywhere, and doesn't really care where I live, as long as it's not with her.

It fells like having a second full time job, this house hunting, except it costs money, has no benefits and is severely depressing.

Do you smell something...

Well, that would be me. I smell like skunk. Its faint, but its there. And its not good. Desoto and I went for a walk on Friday night. Other people have social lives and are actually out places, with other people, having fun, but me, I walk my dog. So, while we were out walking, Desoto sees something at the end of a driveway, and being either very curious or very dumb, wacks it with his paw. After its stops tumbling and rights itself, I see that it is a skunk and it is very mad and it chases us. Well, I was the one running, Desoto thought it wanted to play with him and didn't follow my example and run away, screaming skunk at the top of his lungs. So he got sprayed right in the face and as I was attached to Desoto by his leash, I got sprayed too.

Skunk spray is very potent and if you get sprayed in the face, it causes vomiting, frothing at the mouth and makes your eyes and nose produce copious amounts of grossness. In both people and dogs. Needless to say it was not a pleasant night. I have now tried every concoction known to man to remove the smell. Nothing works completely. After 100 baths, the smell is still there.

It is now 3 days later and I still smell like skunk as does Desoto and my house and car. All day long, my coworkers have been walking up to my cubicle and sniffing, then laughing and saying, "Yep, still there." Bastards.

Lead me not into temptation...

Ok, I try to be good and avoid temptation, I really do. I try to have learned from my past mistakes and avoid doing the same dumb things over and over again. But sometimes, it's really not my fault. I can try and try to avoid temptation, but when it jumps into my path and sticks it foot out to trip me, it's really not my fault.